Monday, February 4, 2013

My Sex Spree in San Francisco: Why I Signed Up

Image by Coffee Meets Bagel
{Coffee Meets Bagel: Debunking 3 Dating Myths in San Francisco}
By +Alyssa Mompoint: Let's be honest, San Francisco is one of the few cities populated with the greatest amount of sexually free singles. In any given night and in any given neighborhood a 26-year-old single girl (yes, I’m talking about myself) can actually have the option and dare I say even the right to ask herself the following before going out: “Hmm, which type of single beaut tonight am I in the mood to hear bullsh**t lines from, smile and uncontrollably bat my eyelashes at, give my doe eyes to, engage in witty banter with, accept a tasty drink from which is almost always followed up by the unspoken obligatory small talk, and who most likely not only has the balls to ask for my number but has the common decency to take me out on a real date?”

Lastly but certainly not the least, “Who has the greatest potential of giving me the best night of sexual pleasure of my life?”

Let’s see, considering half the males are single in SF, do I want to try to have sex with:

  1. The skinny jeans, cool tee, beanie wearing quintessential hipster. (You may have to be ready to step up your artsy side but faking it should suffice).
  2. The sharp suited, smooth talkin’ yuppie. (Warning: He may turn out to be an arrogant ***hole).
  3. The laid back, newly minted tech millionaire. (This may guarantee a night of being intellectually stimulated first).
  4. The sexy foreigner who swoons you with their accent which undoubtably gives off a sexual energy.
  5. The polo shirt buying, khaki pant struttin’ marina dweller. (Beware, there is a slight chance they may use their money to compensate for their lack of personality).
  6. All of the above. (Hey, its San Francisco, most are up for anything).

On this particular night, I had two girlfriends visiting from Los Angeles,who let’s just say, have made a commitment to pimp each other out when necessary. Please Note: I was determined to have a new and exciting sexual escapade story to regale my friends with. Thanks to my friends that night, I snagged a blond haired blue eyed, pony bun wearing Swede who offered me a cigarette on the street corner.

For the next 3 months, I got roped into the most wild, inappropriate, dramatic, sexual experience of my life with whom I came to nickname “Pony Bun.” I’ll put it to you this way, I had never had a man ask me so many times to have a threesome (Um, not my style). Ask the nteenth time about what my fantasies and what type of porn is my favorite. Attempt to have anal sex with me without my permission. (Um, where are your manners?). Suggest we watch his roommate and her booty call get in on while we have sex (I’m sorry but this is not a synchronized event). Smother me with raspberry flavored lubricant and then proceed to stick his finger in...well....just make an educated guess. He also attempted to seduce me in a closet, requested we try having sex outside on a hedge, and admitted he watched tranny porn.

Did I mention that I secretly indulged in the drama and enjoyed his blatant freakiness?

As many times as we had sex, I could not muster up the nerve to ask him to use a condom. 

I never asked him when's the last time, if ever he even got tested. Why? Gee...because it’s awkward as hell. C’mon,what was I supposed to say and when was I supposed to ask it? Right before he busted out the lube and right after he bit my ass (I guess it’s a new form of foreplay). I did not want to be offensive and more importantly I did not want to jeopardize one of the most sexually freeing nights of my life. Sorry.

I also have a confession. At that point, I had not been tested in 2 years. I had a habit of not using a condom.I was on a streak of engaging in casual sex. I know all the signs, symptoms of most STI/STDs and I of course know all the ways to practice safe sex. Yet, I did not protect myself. I was too friggin’ lazy to make a doctor’s appointment but ironically not too lazy to flee my apartment in the wee hours of the night for pony bun lovin'. I knew I was putting myself at risk but frankly I just wanted to believe I was immune. I blame it on the sex haze.

One week after yet another freaky night...I started having symptoms-I’ll do you a favor and spare you the explicit details. I finally got tested which I am not going to lie, was only because I was due for my annual pap smear. Got my results. Turned up positive for bacterial vaginosis which is a condition a woman can get by having unprotected sex.


10 days of antibiotics later, I thought maybe it’s time to be more responsible and stop being a walking contradiction. (I think I forgot to tell you I have a Masters in Public Health a.k.a I should know better) Side note: When the pharmacist says don’t drink any alcohol on your antibiotic, it really means DO NOT drink any alcohol. Yes, one sip counts. It ain’t on the label for nothing. Trust me. 

Needless to say, I learned my lesson.

Here are my Top 6 Tips on How to Enjoy a San Franciscan Man, STI/STD worry free:

1. Grab a Friend and Get Tested. Identify at least one friend who you can open up to if you notice any changes "down there". Chances are, she has had a similar experience and at least you'll get validation that your symptoms aren't normal. The team effort won't make you feel so alone and the trip to the clinic will allow for more gossip time, don't you think?

2. Kill Two Birds with One Stone. We all have to go get an annual pap smear, right? Make it a habit to always get tested in the same check up! Be sure to ask your Ob-gyn to get tested for All STI/STDs (chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, HPV, and HIV) Since you are already there, what's another few minutes, eh?

3. Start being honest with yourself. Take a minute and figure out why you haven't gotten tested or why you don't always use protection. Is it sheer laziness? Are you afraid of ruining the moment? Do you not have health insurance or know where the nearest clinic is? Is it simply because a using condom doesn't feel as good? The sooner you figure out what is preventing you from keeping track of your sexual health, the better.

4. Just ask. You can be forward and just straight up ask "When's the last time you got tested?" or go the more sly route and work it into the conversation early on. For example, I purposely
told one of my dates about a sexual health startup. Why? To gain a sense of how serious he takes STI/STD testing, if he's comfortable talking about it, or if he even knows squat about it. 
Tip: Beware of body language, keep it lighthearted, and if you don't get an answer do yourself a favor and don't have sex until you do.

5. Take Responsibility. Ok, so you got caught up in the moment, didn't use a condom, and now you may feel guilty about it. Take responsibility for your actions, admit you were careless, and please ask him to use a condom next time. Think of it this way. The safer you are, the more sexually free you can be. Wouldn't you say?

6. Use a Condom. Period.

Want to share your personal advice on how to engage in casual sex, STI/STD worry free?  Please, go ahead. I beg of you.

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