Thursday, February 14, 2013

5 Need-to-Know Ways to Happily Hump on Valentine’s Day

Image by Deborah Durham via Blisstree
by +Alyssa Mompoint: We all know It’s officially Valentine’s Day. 

So, Here are 5 Need-to-Know Ways to Happily Hump (or not) on Valentine’s Day:

1. SERENADE your friends and lovers with some heart-lifting rather than heart-wrenching music. Skip the overplayed rap songs that will require you to get “Bands to make her dance.” Forget the fist pumping electronica that leaves ringing in your ears, yes “Don’t you worry child”. Eliminate love songs that make you want to yank that friggin’ arrow from sweet ole’ cupid’s chubby hand. Stop the pop that will really push you over the edge and make you truly say we are “Never ever ever getting back together”. No, this time around try some good old fashion soul music. Repeat after me, “You’re a Bad Mamma Jama”. Now, aren’t you feelin’ good already? Just make sure to sing that soul with soul. Please.

2. TUNE into “He Said.. She Said” Lifestyle Condom Factoids. You may be surprised at what you’ll learn.  And I’ll give you a hint, put those overpriced chocolates back on the shelf.  You’ll thank me later when you realize how many extra calories you’ll be saving and how much more you can be burning.  

3. GRAB a pillow and go have fun with feathers at the Seventh Annual SF Valentine’s Day Pillow Fight. It’s the new and improved form of foreplay and a legit excuse to act like a kid again. Think about it. The adrenaline rush you’ll get from throwin’ around will be a sure way to get you in the mood to be thrown around. What are you waiting for?  Hop to it!

4. BE socially responsible and use B Condoms with your lover for the night. Get this...part of each sale goes into funding prevention and educational efforts in at-risk communities. Since Whole Foods officially now supplies them, you can also do yourself a favor and pick up some fancy schmancy overpriced wine. Oh, see those mini cheesecakes pretentiously placed in the bakery section? Yeah, throw those in, too. Joining a social movement is the new loophole of justifiable self-indulgence.

5. LOVE yourself first. According to the recent 2011 Report on STI Trends, the U.S Center for Disease Control revealed that 20 million new sexually transmitted infections are diagnosed costing a whopping $16 billion in taxpayers funds. Most of these costs are caused by HIV treatments but the real complications are due to untreated chlamydia which can cost you a pretty penny. Let’s be real--an average 25-year-old probably doesn’t have the funds to pay for treatment. So, this Valentine’s Day, please show yourself some love by using a condom and getting tested.  Munch on some sweetheart candies while you search for the nearest clinic and make an appointment.


  1. So German Metal like Born in a Morning Hall ( will not get me to happily hump? ;-)

  2. Actually it's "Born in a Mourning Hall" :-)


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